Attack of the Monster Spider

For those that have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I don't do well with spiders.
And by "don't do well" I mean "tend to freak out"

I don't know why it happens. My rational brain knows there are very few dangerous spiders in the PNW and most are harmless to humans. My rational brain knows that I am 1000x bigger than a spider and can easily smoosh one. I can't recall any particularly bad experience with a spider nor have I even ever had that many spider bites. I actually like to look at spiderwebs when they are OUTSIDE - I think they are fascinating.

But a spider in my house...or actually touching me?
All bets are off.

So rewind to last night. Picture it. There I am, sitting on the floor, settling in for a night of Netflix, and enjoying my dinner when BIG F*CKING SPIDER (BFS) comes crawling at a rapid speed down my leg out of NOWHERE. No, I am not exaggerating when I name said spider BFS. He was 2 inches in leg span. I took a photo, see below. Jamey calls him a wolf spider. I call him WHALE spider.

Naturally, given his size and my surprise at his appearance, I did exactly what you would expect.

I completely freaked out and flipped my food and the spider off my lap.

Unlike this weekend's incident (see post below), this time I was actually consciously thinking, "flip spider to somewhere known so you can kill it." However, after doing my icky icky ew dance in the next room for the required 2 minutes, I returned to the scene of the crime to find BFS was MIA. I searched everywhere.

And by "searched everywhere" I mean I "tentatively picked up each item on the floor and shook it out at full arms length away from me while prepared to leap into the other room at any second should BFS actually appear."

After searching for BFS for a good 5 minutes (including lots of breaks to icky icky ew dance and to psych myself up to keep looking) and coming up empty, I ran back to the other room and did exactly what you would expect I would:

I proceeded to have a complete nervous breakdown.

Seriously, it was the biggest spider I have seen in a very long time and it crawled right on me and all I could do was think about how it was hiding somewhere in my flat and if I didn't find it, it was going to crawl on me when I was sleeping and it was so fast and creepy and crawly and ACK!

In a fit of desperation, I ran through a list of people that I could make come over to help me. Unfortunately, I was sane enough to realize how crazy that sounded and double unfortunately, the few people who wouldn't think I was that crazy for calling don't really live that close to me. So instead, I had to go with option #2. I called my mom. COMPLETELY CRYING.

Word to the wise, do not call your mom completely crying unless it is an actual emergency...which this absolutely was...because it makes them very worried. However, being the amazing mother that she is, we tackled the problem together. After a few minutes of crisis hotline intervention and calming me down, I had mom in my ear and was ready to search for BFS again. This time I spotted him hiding between the bed and the wall in the back of the bedroom.

Mom stayed on the line while I attacked and chased with a flip flop. She told me later she could hear this in the background, "DIE YOU LITTLE BASTARD! DIE!" (apparently, that is my war cry).

After a few minutes of good chase and furniture movement (seriously, he was big and FAST) the final score was:

ReckenRoll: 1
BFS: 0

I include a photo of my victory below.

Following the photo taking, I realized that maybe I had just stunned BFS and not actually killed him. So I put a newspaper on top of him and smashed hard with my flip flop to make sure he was really really really dead.

I'd like to thank my mom for being the rock that she is in my time of crisis. Mom, I couldn't have done it without you.