23 August 2009

So I said I was gonna be a blogger...

...and then I make a few half-ass attempts and go dark on you. So not fair! What can I say?

Famous people get really busy.

I'm now considering hiring a ghost writer to keep this thing going. I mean honestly, it's not like Britney does all her own Tweets and if that hack can have a team of peeps well, so should I!

Hmmm, maybe I can find one of those cute little iterns types. I'm thinking Clark Kent style with a bit more Superman to him. Excellent English skills are a must. He could even fetch my coffee and dry cleaning and take my car for an oil change and...

Oh, I have a lovely idea! Let's all get interns shall we?

Anyhoo. Whilst I continue to work that one out, you'll have to just put up with me and my somewhat sporadic posts. You can see from the posts below, that I DO have a good excuse. I've been a bit of a traveling fool lately. I was in Anchorage for a week to escape the paparazzi and recovery from 'fatigue' and then in NYC for a week to remind those same paparazzi why they love me and then home again home again lickety split.

It's good to be home.

What I Learned Last Week (NYC Edition)

  • If you want to celeb spot in NYC, just sit in the lobby of the Bryant Park Hotel. I can't guarnatee A List, but I can guarantee you WILL spot them
  • There is no guarantee of consistency in a soft boiled egg, even if you go to the same place three mornings in a row
  • I love the East Village. If I lived in NYC, I would live in the East Village. It's exactly what a city should be
  • The shoe departments at Saks Fifth Avenue are smaller than you think they would be, however, the 8th floor cafe is FABULOUS for ladies who lunch.
  • If you are trying to fly out of JFK in the evening during the summer, chances are extremely likely that you will be delayed so just make yourself comfortable. You ain't goin' nowheres.
  • Tempura fried tofu. In a word: awesome.
  • I could very easily get used to a lifestyle that involves a driver and an Escalade on call.

What I Learned Last Weekend (Alaska Edition)

  • I can run 3 miles!
  • Despite the rumors, Flatop, just outside Anchorage, is a #$&*% HARD HIKE pretty much straight up hill.
  • You can't hug a man in uniform when he's on duty...or maybe you can, but I wasn't allowed to.
  • Even after several years of not living in Alaska, seeing a baby moose while running doesn't turn me into a tourist. It makes me think, "run the other way and get the dog out of the situation."
  • That said, I still think baby moose are super cute.
  • Good friends is always good friends. Despite time, distance, and lack of regular communication.
  • It's called the "Winner Trail" not the "Winter Trail" - which somehow makes it less romantic.
  • A hand tram is pretty damn cool and not at all as scary as you might think
  • I know what absolute silence sounds like
  • Despite never seeing a bear in the wild, I still have a very healthy fear of encountering one
  • Sometimes, you SHOULD go to the right.

06 August 2009

In Memory of John Hughes

Emily and I can recite 16 Candles from beginning to end. We can recite it in our sleep. We can recite it drunk or sober. And why not? 16 Candles contains the wisdom of the ages. For instance:

  • Fresh breath should be a priority in all of our lives
  • Eating carrots doesn't necessarily make your breasts grow but Mr T is indeed a good back up choice should no one else want to marry you.
  • Female aliens have 3 tits
  • Talking dirty to your potential date's grandmother is not recommended
  • Don't take 4 painkillers on your wedding day
  • If crushes were easy they would call them something else.
  • ALWAYS help your prom queen
  • And not many girls in contemporary American society would give up their underwear to help a geek.
Jake: These are really hers?
Farmer Ted: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get 'em?
Farmer Ted: She gave 'em to me.
Jake: Did you...?
Farmer Ted: No! She cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
Farmer Ted: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling you.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
Farmer Ted: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.
Jake: You better not be dicking me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
Farmer Ted: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I'll kick your ass.
Farmer Ted: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

02 August 2009

What I Learned This Weekend

  • A Slip n Slide is a lot smaller, yet fancier, than you remember
  • Two miles running is futher than I remember
  • There are still some places in the United States that only take cash OR CHECK
  • Harry Potter in 3D may be the only way to watch Harry Potter.
  • I no longer feel 'guilty' about being indoors and 'wasting' the good weather. This sun ain't goin anywhere people
  • I'm beginning to think 85 is a reasonable, hey almost cool, temperature.
  • My dog is an excellent party guest.